Reflections on the End of a Ministry
Posted on November 2, 2009
Ministers who go through a negotiated resignation, like my recent experience here, are asked to write an essay reflecting on what happened and especially what they learned. I thought some of my readers would be interested in reading some of what I wrote. This is only a small part of my essay, focusing on what I’ve learned as a result of this experience:
1. I learned that I need to be more attuned to murmurs of dissatisfaction and not underestimate them.
2. I learned that I need to be absolutely clear that staff members are not allowed to become members of the church.
3. I learned that while I do not consciously avoid conflict, I have often underestimated it and thought it had gone away when it had gone underground.
4. I learned that systems approaches, while a good thing, are not enough on their own. Changing or improving the system has to be done with great emphasis on putting relationship first. In other words, while I did well at differentiation, I did not always remember to balance it with connection/relationship.
5. I learned I’m a good minister who will do the right/best thing even when I wish I could be mean or do something that would help me, but hurt the congregation.
6. I learned that if confidentiality must be carefully guarded around ministerial transition and search. A breach of this confidentiality has very painful consequences in the congregation.
7. I learned that I cannot afford to become less formal in regard to personnel and financial policies over time—I must keep scrupulous records and absolutely professional relationships.
8. I learned that when a minister has an “historically marginalized identity” it will be used by those who are disillusioned, even though that identity has nothing to do with the issues that arose.
9. I learned that people’s anxiety is incredibly powerful and the desire to avoid conflict is something that needs to be addressed directly and consistently from the beginning of a ministry.
10. I learned that when an issue with me/my ministry arises, I should listen more, explain less, apologize clearly and directly, and document my efforts to improve the situation. It does not help to explain my thinking in that moment.
11. I learned that when a congregation seems to have lost touch with a sense of mission/vision, it is an important sign of anxiety and possible dysfunction.
12. I learned to trust my instincts and listen carefully to my intuition. I knew in September of 2008 that things were shifting. I put my name in the search process because of that feeling. I then allowed myself to believe that everything would be okay. If I feel that way again, I’ll be more conscious of its seriousness and in touch with colleagues and consultants.
13. I learned that I have to be very clear that developing and nurturing relationships outside the congregation is even more important than I knew. I have a lot of trusted colleagues and friends, but they are far away. It is healthier for me to have local friends and colleagues.
14. I learned that the “technology gap” can be dangerous in several ways: first, it can make some people feel as though the minister is less accessible to them because they do not use technology; second, it can be used to spread rumors that are impossible to counter; third, it blurs the lines between professional and personal time and information.
15. I learned that my call to ministry is strong and though this was a painful experience, I still feel confident in my skill and commitment to this work.
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11 Responses to “Reflections on the End of a Ministry”
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I am curious about not allowing staff to be members. I cannot imagine not having been a member before going on staff at my church. I was grounded in the culture in a way that was healthy and helpful. I can see other ways where that may not be the case though, and wonder if you can elaborate?
Kelly,
From a church, not Sean’s, we learned this the hard way – here is the rub. How do you tell a member they are doing a good job or at least not the job they were hired to do? You never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but as an employer we have the obligation to have those kinds of conversations. When the staffer is a congregant it gets difficult – very difficult. Lines can be drawn and the minister is usually in the middle – trying to work a staff issue and minister to a congregant. How does the congregation trust the confidentiality portion of the staff member’s persona if they are a member of a covenant group, or if they have long term relationships with some members of the congregation and not others. The staffer can swear all they want they aren’t saying anything they shouldn’t and yet some will never believe them and the rift will start.
It is a delicate line to walk. When we were a very small church it wasn’t as big a deal. As we began to grow it became clear we needed to make this switch and we have done so. It was one of the smartest things we did. The church needs to be in right relations with the staff on a different level than that of a member.
My two cents.
That was not doing a good job – sorry.
I certainly support not being a member of a church that you work at. I was a member at a church while a staff person. In times of conflict, it proved to be a HUGE conflict of interest and the membership struggled with seeing me as fully staff. My vote seemed to be something people thought they could influence, etc.
Having clear boundaries is so very important in this area- especially in times of high conflict.
Thank you for sharing this Sean!
This issue of technology gap is very interesting to me. Can you say more about it, and what we should do about it?
I was the office manager and membership assistant for UU church A, while being a member of UU church B elsewhere in the same city. UU church A had developed some dysfunctional habits and there were factions within the congregation who sometimes tried to influence how I did my job one way or another. Because I was clearly and only a staffperson hired for my ability to do the necessary job, rather than a sympathetic in-group member having to worry about how my decisions might affect my own worship experiences or social belonging, I was able to make the right decisions without being unduly influenced. The minister could always treat me as an employee, not as someone who needed nurturing or counseling, and I feel this kept everything very healthy and productive.
The UU church I attend now has a couple of congregants on staff as part-timers. This is not ideal but sometimes is the compromise that growing churches have to make, especially in smaller population centers or ones that have fewer local religious liberals and professionals. The best practice would be for this church to eventually thank the congregants for their service and hire full-time outside staffmembers to do these jobs. There is enough potential for turmoil and dysfunction within our churches already as it is without inviting more through blurring the lines between staff and congregation too much.
Sean, I appreciate your deep introspection and willingness to pass on the lessons… which are always best learned by experience, unfortunately.
Sean
Best wishes to you in whatever your new situation is.
Thanks for posting this and sharing some of your learning. We look forward to having you in the Bay Area!
Beautiful reflection for the powerful honesty it displays. Your life is teaching mine, Sean. Thank you.